Getting to the point of awakening
I float along for a while, some things are blatantly wrong, but I just keep throwing myself further into my religion until I reach a breaking point. Again, some would say I never had faith, but who would devote themselves and their entire life to something they didn’t believe? I did believe wholeheartedly, blind faith without questioning, but there came a point when I had to ask myself, am I being reasonable? Had the answer been yes, I would still be going to meetings and knocking on doors.
I am married to a verbally abusive drunk who is escalating to physical violence. As far as my “Elders” in my congregation are concerned the only sin he’s committing is dipping skoal, Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t use tobacco, but it’s ok to get drunk and abuse your wife. I’m there and supportive, I want my husband to get right with God so we can have this picture perfect family. By being supportive I just make his life easier and he takes advantage of this, now he’s bringing illegal drugs into my home and on top of this he says if I turn him in, I’ll go to jail too. My house, my drugs right? This backfired on him, I kept my mouth shut about his drugs, but I had to get the drugs out of my house. The easiest way to get rid of the drugs was to get rid of the user. We separated. I was advised many things by my “Elders” but not one of them bothered to ask what the problem was, I was just told we needed to work it out. Financially having two places is a strain and he’s coming to my house when I’m not home and eating all my groceries anyway, so we get back together. Stupid, but I still wasn’t ready to give up my religion, neither of us had cheated, so we would be married forever, even if we died and woke up after Armageddon we’d still be married so I had to make the best of it.
So I’ve shown my weakness yet again, even after everything that’s happened, I’ve let him come home. He begins to have less than desirable people in my home and doesn’t even bother to hide his drugs anymore. I can’t go to the store without him sneaking outside to smoke pot leaving my son unattended inside. This is the God approved man I married, my spiritual head. I’m done, it’s just a matter of time before I leave. God wouldn’t expect me to live with this abusive man who is putting my child and I at risk would he? At this point, I thought my religion would be my salvation. Instead when I attended meetings my “Brothers and Sisters” only asked about my inactive husband. I would scream inside “I’m here every meeting, why don’t you care about me?” I felt isolated, the encouraging talks were starting to ring hollow, I don’t feel encouraged, I just feel sad.
I pray, I still believe in my God, so I ask, should i stay where I’m miserable, I understand I can never remarry if I leave, but can I just be by myself? This prayer goes up with many tears and with my answer comes great comfort and peace. I have followed every rule, I am an imperfect human and I have done everything within my power to serve God. Finally after months of turmoil and grief I decide God would not want this misery for me, I have endured and persevered, I have done enough. Jehovah’s Witnesses do not agree. Wait, my God and my religion disagree? I need to take a step back and start examining everything with fresh eyes.
finally had a minute to get caught up. i’m so glad you’re writing this, Sandy. i know this can’t be easy stuff to write about, but you’ve managed to articulate so well the thoughts and feelings that come along with finally examining our doubts and doing something to make our lives make sense again.