A long time coming

I remember even when I was active, I was concentrating so hard on pleasing God, maybe I didn’t believe as strongly as I wanted to, but that just made me try harder. I went to more meetings, went out knocking on doors more, spent more time with fellow Christians and reading God’s Word. If you are unhappy, you need to step back and see what you are doing wrong. One of my greatest sins was not accepting the leadership of my husband, he was my “spiritual head.” I admit at this time, I fully embraced my role as a submissive wife and bit my tongue many times, I was convinced I was the weaker person and God would guide this man who would in turn guide our family. Looking back, I can’t explain how I could be so weak minded, but I didn’t question anything. My husband was my spiritual leader even though he didn’t live his life according to Godly principles. I didn’t question this for a long time, but when my son was a baby I did pray nightly for God to let me die in my sleep because I was so miserable, I didn’t respect my husband and he didn’t care about anyone but himself. Funny how at the time death seemed more desirable than questioning the way things were.

By the time my son was three I was having more issues. One night they took a vote at the hall to decide if they were going to set aside money for new carpet. Each family had to pledge to give a certain amount each month. My husband rarely went to meetings, so of course he wasn’t there and I was not allowed to vote because I wasn’t the spiritual head of my house. Unbelievable, I’m the only one with a job, he’s not working, I’m the only one coming to meetings and I’m the only one trying to raise my son in “the Truth” and I count less than he does because I’m not a man.

I’m really struggling at this point, I’m living with a man that is a mean drunk and he’s getting worse, he can’t keep a job and calls in more than he works. Why am I supporting this? Isn’t it his job to support me and lead the way in practicing our religion and teaching our child about God? I probably would have left at this point if I hadn’t been so weak minded, I’d spent my whole life being told what to do, what I should think and feeling bad if I didn’t. Divorce was frowned upon, like I’ve said before, that only happens when someone cheats and neither of us had and I knew he’d get visitation and he’d already threatened if I left him I’d never see my son again. So now I work and I attend meetings to escape. The more time I spend in God’s work and with his people the less time I have to spend at home.

A few months pass and my mom decides to not only leave my dad, but our religion too. Truth be told I was ready to go with her, she got a two bedroom apartment and I started thinking about asking to move in. I knew I was too weak to leave my husband on my own and to be honest, I didn’t know for sure if my mom was leaving “the truth” or just my dad. I’m sure I said some judgmental things and may have even said I was sure she’d come  back to “the truth.” Our relationship was strained, where if I’d just been honest, things could have been different. It’s hard to believe now, but I really was afraid my son would be taken away. Funny how I could believe a man who can’t keep a job could run away with a child. Even now he lives with his parents, so he had a good bluff in, it worked to keep me there for a few more years. Anyway, instead of telling mom these things, we just quit talking so much and when she wrote her letter to the congregation removing herself, people who hadn’t talked to me in years rallied around me and I felt to loved, so I fell right back into being submissive and just not thinking.

Losing my religion was more like awakening from a coma, a very slow awakening.

Tags: field service, kingdom hall, meetings, the "truth"